So the end of school arrived and it was with mixed emotions that I packed my stuff up and finished the year. I knew at the end of March I would not be returning to JHS. It hurt more than I can say to be told I am not good enough (at classroom management to create an environment of learning). The last week was especially hard. The senior goodbye assembly started it all. I realized I won't be there for Tyler's senior year or Jeremy's freshman year. I wont' see some of my favorite and not so favorite students progress and graduate. I had to tell many people I wasn't coming back. My answer is "just because." or "I need a change." and occasionally "I was let go (fired)." It's nice to know that some parents and students were sad and surprised to see me go.
Then graduation night came and I got dressed up in my robes one last time, never to wear them again. I'm surprised I held it together during the few minutes I had to stand up front welcoming the graduates. I'm so glad one of my favorite people in the world caught me to get a picture. I came home and cried, again.
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| Makenzie Christensen and I. |
The last day of classes and packing up my things to take home was hard. There weren't a lot of questions from my students, maybe they thought I always packed my stuff up when I left for the summer. I threw away countless bags of papers and trash. I feel like a failure. Not successful, confident or capable of anything. I know when I give up my keys will be another crying moment.
My principal took all of the teachers to lunch. It was nice. He recognized those leaving the school and also gave each of us a card of thanks. I felt like the only loser in the group. One was retiring (even though I know it was forced retirement), Another was moving to Kansas to work at KSU as a rodeo coach. The third had only been there a year, but was moving to go to culinary school while her husband started graduate school. And there was me, No plans,no future, no nothing. Just thanks.
I had to go home and cry before going back to school.
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| JHS faculty lunch- |
My coworkers brought me flowers on the very last day of school. That nearly did me in. I'm going to miss working with them.
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| Flowers from Mike, Ron, Christie, and Scott. |
I know I am good at my job. I know I am a good teacher. There is so much more to teaching now than even 10 years ago when i started. Teachers are required and expected to do so much, and everything that a student does is totally the teachers responsibility. Students now have no responsibility for their education. Its sad. They are so unprepared to cope in the real world, and succeed in college. (Derek proved that to me as he has probably flunked out of the U and has no intention of returning).
I do not intend to return to teaching. My classroom stuff is hiding in corners in my house until we have a huge yard sale. I am selling my teaching materials and trying something new. ACCOUNTING.
LDS employment services is amazing. I took a class and cried in front of my instructor, I am so overwhelmed. I feel like I have no skills, or practical knowledge of anything other than teaching. I know everyone in that class, at least the adults were in similar situations, or they wouldn't be there. however the last day, Sister Thea Hansen told me they might have a plan--on the job training. I just need a bishops ok. So there may be some hope after all.
Of course top this off with the unknowns about Chris's back and job and some days I'm surprised I get out of bed at all. However I read in my patriarchal blessing a few weeks ago that I would be led to a vocation that suited my skills. It also talks about being a teacher to many. I thought I'd found my vocation, but I guess not. I have also felt quiet reassurances that everything will work out and be ok. That's so hard to hold on to that when my life feels like a mess. I moved back to JHS because I thought it was right. It felt right to be closer to my kids and stop commuting to Provo. I guess I'm back to to commuting. Whatever I'm supposed to learn from this, better be good:)
